We named our party play list daddy issues
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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