i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
