you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
last night I used snow as a chaser
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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