every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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