Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
