I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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