My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just gargled with NyQuil
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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