i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
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Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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