1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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