judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
