just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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