He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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