3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
