i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
