I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
