The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
