Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
