I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I want her autograph on my taint
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
