Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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