i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
