Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
