I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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