he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i think i have two assholes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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