Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
