I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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