my phone needs a breathalizer
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
