You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
