While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she looked like the before picture.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
