pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
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you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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