I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
