I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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