Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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