I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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