my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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