i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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