Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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