A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
