Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
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Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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