If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
