Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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