so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
