You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
