Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
