i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
