he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
