she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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