You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Help. Why am I so naked?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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