You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
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You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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