I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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