I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
