If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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