That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
