Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just invented taco cereal.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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