When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
