So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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