I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize