he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
