Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
