I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
