I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
