I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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