do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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