trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
