Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Come see our sink grown plant.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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