so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
